Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
