Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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