she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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