There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
