In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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