Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
