On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
