Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
