Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
