I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
