I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize