You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I think my moral compass just broke
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