sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
