Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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