No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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