imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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