I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
