Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
