you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
