you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
