Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
