She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Randomize