So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
