just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
