It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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