I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
