And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize