I wish I only lived at night.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
