Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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