I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
