i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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