Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
