No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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