where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
