Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
