If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
