and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Randomize
