Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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