you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
