Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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