She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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