Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
