yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
