last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
