Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i can't believe i had my finger in that
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
