we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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