He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
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