My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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