you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
