Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
