I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize