Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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