Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
