i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
