woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
