I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
