Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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