I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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