Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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