my soul wont recognize me after tonight
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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