So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
