my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just gift wrapped bread.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
