so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
