When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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