this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize