i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
