it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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