Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
