Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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