during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
