Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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