Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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