I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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