I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
