were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
