I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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